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Ye Olde Disclaimer: Okay, I confess. The Phantom of the Opera belongs to RUG and Andrew Lloyd Webber and ReBoot belongs to Mainframe Entertainment. [dramatic sigh] I’m just borrowing them… Oh, and I hold nothing against any of the characters. [g] So if you don’t like how somebody is acting, my apologies… this is just borne of silliness, I’m not trying to insult anyone…
The Phantom of the Opera – Matrix
Jada: Okay, PLACES!
[various mutters, threats of deletion, curses as the girls trip over their skirts, curses as the guys just trip, etc.]
[The curtain of the Mainframe Stage goes up and we see an auction to get rid of the “contents of the Opera House”]
Mike the TV: SOLD! Your number? Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Now, for a limited time only, lot 663! A poster of this house’s production of the one and only HANNIBAL! Yes, folks, this too can be yours for only 9999.99! Any takers? Any? C’mon, c’mon, bid! YES! SOLD to the WebSurfr!!!!
Raytracer: [glares at him] I’m SUPPOSED to be Raoul, Vicomte de Chagny.
Mike: Yeah, him too. OOOOH! Here’s a hot item! Lot 664: a wooden pistol and three skulls from the 1831 production of “Robert le Diable” by Meyerbeer!
AndrAIa: Mike! That’s disgusting! Must you!?
Mike: [mutters and flings it over his ‘shoulder’] How about THIS!? Lot 665, ladies and sprites, a papier-mâché musical box, in the shape of a BARREL-ORGAN. Attached, the figure of a MONKEY in PERSIAN ROBES, playing the CYMBALS! This VALUBLE item was discovered in the VAULTS OF THE THEATRE, still in PERFECT WORKING ORDER!!! Any bidders? Anyone? Only 9999.99!!!!!!
Raytracer: [sighs and holds up his hand]
Mouse: Hey, wait a minute, sugah, aren’ you supposed to have a potah?
Raytracer: We’re short on cast members. I’m the only one at the auction.
Dot: [looks at Jada and raises eyebrow]
Jada: [shrugs sheepishly]
Mike: [pouts] Well, if you’re the only one here, you can have it then… [hands him the box and stomps off] So much for my cameo…
Jada: MIKE! Get back onstage, you aren’t DONE yet!
Mike: [walks back onstage]
Raytracer: [clears throat]
Mouse: Egads, he’s gonna sing! Everyone hide!
Raytracer: [glares at her] Thanks a lot Mouse. Thanks a WHOLE lot.
Dot: Yeah, be nice, Mouse. We don’t get to hide until Bob sings.
Bob: Yea--- HEY!
[various snickers]
Raytracer: [looking at box]
Mike: Lot 666 then! A chandelier in pieces – some of you may recall the strange affair of the PHANTOM OF THE OPERA – a MYSTERY never fully EXPLAINED! We are told that this is the VERY CHANDILIER that figures into the FAMOUS DISASTER! Our workshops have restored it and fitted up parts of it with wiring for the NEW ELECTRIC LIGHT!
Mouse: New electric light? What are we livin’ in, the dark ages?
Jada: [points to script] See? We are in 1905. It WAS new then. And computers weren’t even invented then…
[collective horrified gasp]
Jada: Oh, stuff it.
Mike: May I continue? [coughs] Fitted with wiring for the NEW ELECTRIC LIGHT so we may perhaps see what it might look like when FULLY ASSEMBLED! Maybe we can FRIGHTEN away the ghosts of so many years ago with ---
AndrAIa: [smiles sweetly] Your voice?
Mike: [glares] A little ILLUMINATION! GENTLEMEN! THROW THE SWITCH!
Herr Doctor and his assistant: [evil laughs as they throw “The Switch”]
[enormous flash – special effects courtesy of Bob *g* - and the chandelier raises while the set shifts around to restore the “opera house” to it’s “former glory” while the incredibly awesome overture that I cannot portray through words, go get the soundtrack, starts up]
ACT ONE
Raytracer: Oh, sheesh… we haven’t even started Act One yet?
Jada: Sure we did. Just now! [eg]
[Rehearsals for “Hannibal” by Chalumeau. “Great choral scene in which Hannibal and his army return to save Carthage from the Roman invasion…” Oh, sheesh. They are practicing for a musical. That’s all you neeed to know. The two leading slave girls – IE, two of the ballet girls – are played by Mouse (as Meg Giry) and AndrAIa (as Christine Daae). Dot (Madame Giry) is the ballet mistress and Phong (Master Reyer) is in charge. Got it? No? Good. *eg* We come into the opera towards the end of Hexadecimal’s (Carlotta’s) big number. She is alone, holding a present for the approching Hannibal (who is played by Piangi, who is played by Bob… sheesh, now even I’M confused…) a bleeding severed head.]
AndrAIa: [looks at head and makes a face] Yuck.
Mouse: Ah nevah thought you were this squeamish, sugah.
AndrAIa: I’m not! But I don’t get what this thing with severed heads and skulls is… it’s gross.
Hexadecimal: This trophy from our saviors, from the enslaving force of Rome!
[Binome carries ladder across the stage, others are seen still constructing parts of the scenery]
Dot: [looks at audience] And we aren’t faking that, either.
Girl’s Chorus – IE Mouse and AndrAIa: With feasting and dancing and song
Mouse: Rah rah rah…
AndrAIa: [laughs]
The Mainframe Strolling Players: The trumpets of Carthage resound!
AndrAIa: BOW before me! Now!
Mouse: [snickers]
Jada: Will you two stop it?
All: Hear the drums!
Mouse: Everybody hide!! Bob’s gonna sing!!!
Bob: [rolls eyes towards ceiling] What did I do to deserve this?
[Bob enters as Hannibal]
Bob: [clears throat nervously and looks around at where everyone is staring at him, smirking] ARGH!
Dot: Just sing, Bob, I promise I won’t let them make fun of you. [glares at them all]
[everyone whistles innocently]
Bob: [coughs again, still nervous] Sad to return to find the land we love
Phong: [interrupting] ROME! ROME, Bob –
Jada: Signor.
Phong: Whatever. ROME, not ROMA.
Dot: PHONG!
Phong: It was in the script, my child!
Bob: Yeah, yeah, Rome, not Roma. Is very hard for me…
Mouse: [snickers]
Bob: Mouse, you keep this up, and I shall tease you mercilessly when you have to play up the screaming chorus girl thing.
Mouse: [sticks out her tongue] Whatevah, sugah.
Bob: Rome… Rome…
AndrAIa: Italy!
[everyone stares at her]
AndrAIa: Errrr…
[Enter Megabyte (Lefevre, retiring manager) w/ Captain Capacitor and Mr. Christopher (Andre and Firmin) to whom he has just sold it]
Phong: [to Bob] One again, then, if you please, Signor: “Sad to return…”
Mouse: Oh, please, spare us!
Megabyte: This way, gentlemen, this way. Rehearsals, as you can see, are under way, for a new production of “Hannibal”… Ladies and gentlemen, some of you may have already met Monsieur Firmin and Monsieur Andre?
Jada: Why can’t everyone ELSE get their lines right like Megabyte does?
AndrAIa: Because we aren’t a brown noser like him?
Phong: [sniffs] I’m sorry, Monsieur Lefevre, we ARE rehearsing.
Megabyte: And boy, do you need it. Especially blue boy over there…
Bob: What is this, pick on Bob day!?!
Phong: If you wouldn’t mind waiting a moment?
Megabyte: My apologies, proceed, proceed… HEY! Why am I kissing up to him!? I OWN this theatre!
Jada: Not anymore, you sold it to them. [points at the Captain and Mr. Christopher]
Megabyte: Oh… phooey.
Phong: [very sarcastic] THANK you, monsieur. [turning back to Bob] “Sad to return…” signor.
[collective groans]
Megabyte: [to the Captain and Mr. Christopher] Monsieur Reyer, our chief repetiteur. Rather a tyrant, I’m afraid…
Dot: [snorts] Look who’s talking!
[the rehearsal – and show – continues]
Bob: [clears throat nervously]
Dot: Well… you’re getting better? [small grin]
[Mouse and AndrAIa theoretically begin their dance; Megabyte, the Captain, and Mr. Christopher stand in the center of the stage watching them. They are in the way, to say the least. The “ballet” continues under the following dialogue.]
Megabyte: [indicating Bob] Signor Piangi, our principal tenor.
Captain: You really are a failure in this theatre, aren’t you?
[Megabyte and Bob both glare at him]
Megabyte: He does play SO well opposite La Carlotta.
Hexadecimal: Oh, that’s ME! Bob, we get to SING together, isn’t that lovely?
Bob: Uh, sure…
Hexadecimal: [getting mad] You don’t WANT to sing with me, do you!?!
Bob: [hastily] No, no, I’d love to Hex, really.
Hexadecimal: [smiles abruptly] Oh, good.
Dot: [banging on the stage with her cane – a prop, of course] Gentlemen – and I use the term loosely in your case, Megabyte – please! Would you KINDLY move to one side? And Mouse, AndrAIa, for crying out loud, it’s a ballet not a can-can!
[Mouse and AndrAIa snicker]
Megabyte: [grimacing] My apologies, Madame Giry. [leads the Captain and Mr. Christopher aside] Madame Giry, our ballet mistress. I don’t mind confessing, Monsieur Firmin, I shan’t be sorry to be rid of the whole blessed business!
Captain: Oh, that’s very comforting…
Mr. Christopher: I keep asking you, monsieur, why exactly are you retiring?
Megabyte: [ignores question and gestures to the… well, it’s kinda a ballet…] We take a particular pride here in the excellence of our ballets.
[Mouse does a backflip just because and AndrAIa starts laughing; Dot glares at them, then gives up trying to get them to do it properly]
Captain: Who is that girl, Lefevre?
Megabyte: Her? That’s Meg Giry – and SHE’S one of the reasons I’m leaving!
Mouse: [sticks her tongue out at him] Ah love you too, sugah.
Megabyte: [rolls eyes and wishes that he hadn’t signed that contract saying he couldn’t physically maim any of the cast members] Madame Giry’s daughter…
Dot and Mouse: WHAT!?!
Bob: [covers his mouth to stifle his laughter]
Megabyte: Promising dancer, Monsieur Andre, most promising.
Mouse: More promisin’ than Bob’s singin’ career…
Bob: Will you stop that!?
[AndrAIa has spaced off and Mouse runs into her]
Dot: You! Christine Daae! Concentrate, girl!
AndrAIa: [rubbing arm] Oww…
Mouse: Christine? Wha’s the mattah?
AndrAIa: You ran into me!
Mouse: No, Andi, those were the lines… Tha’s why Ah called you Christine.
Mr. Christopher: Daae? Curious name.
Megabyte: Swedish.
Captain: Any relation to the violinist?
Megabyte: His daughter, I believe. Always has her head in the clouds, I’m afraid…
[Mouse and AndrAIa get tired of pretending to dance – IE, bouncing around the stage – and sit down; the chorus resumes]
The Mainframe Strolling Players: Bid welcome to Hannibal’s guests –
Mouse: His friends are elephants?
[the elephant, a large, fake, life-sized thing is rolled in; Bob is lifted – in triumph, mind you – onto it’s back, and nearly falls off]
Hexadecimal: Once more to my welcoming arms
Bob: Er… [blushes]
Dot: [looks at Jada] Why wasn’t I Carlotta?
Jada: Because Hex is more suited to the role… shh, you’ll see.
The Mainframe Strolling Players: The trumpeting elephants sound –
[at the end of the chorus, Megabyte claps his hands for silence; he is ignored until…]
Megabyte: QUIET!!!!
[silence; the elephant is led off, but they forgot to let Bob down first]
Bob: Argh… stop the elephant!
[it stops]
Bob: [slides off and tries to land on his feet; fails] This is just not my day.
Megabyte: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please?
[Mouse yawns and pretends to nod off]
Megabyte: As you know, for some weeks, there have been rumors of my retirement. I can tell you now that these were all true and it’s my pleasure to introduce you to the two gentlemen that now own the Opera Populaire: Monsieur Richard Firmin and Monsieur Gilles Andre.
[polite applause; it is obvious nobody really cares; Hexadecimal and Bob step forward, trying to look as though they really DID go offstage like they were supposed to]
Megabyte: Ah, gentlemen, Signora Carlotta Giudicelli, our leading soprano for five seasons now.
Hexadecimal: Why, THANK you dear brother! [looks at Bob] Did you hear that? I’m a star!
Mr. Christopher: [looking more than a little intimidated by Hexadecimal] Of course, of course… I have seen all your shows, Signora.
Megabyte: And Signor Ubaldo Piangi.
[small snickers]
Mouse: Cute name, sugah!
Megabyte: Yeah… and it’s real fun to pronounce. [grimaces] Why did I agree to this again?
Jada: Because I asked nicely.
Megabyte: But I’m a virus, I don’t…
Jada: Shut up and do the role.
Captain: [to Bob] An honor, Signor.
Mr. Christopher: If I remember rightly, Carlotta’s character has a rather fine aria in Act Three of “Hannibal”. I wonder, Signora, if you would oblige us with a private rendition?
Hexadecimal: Oh, they want me to sing! How delightful!
Mr. Christopher: Unless, of course, Monsieur Reyer objects…
Hexadecimal: [glares at Phong, looking furious] He’d BETTER not!
Phong: [sighs] My diva commands. Will two bars be sufficient introduction?
Captain: Two bars will be quite sufficient.
Phong: [to make sure Hexadecimal is ready] Signora?
Hexadecimal: [stands up straighter and grins happily] Maestro.
[introduction played on piano]
Hexadecimal: Think of me
[a backdrop crashes to the ground, cutting Hexadecimal off in midsentance and from half of the cast]
Hexadecimal: Who did that!?! They interrupted me! How DARE they interrupt ME!?
Mouse & The Mainframe Strolling Players: He’s here…
AndrAIa: [looks around, confused] Where is Matrix, anyway…?
Hexadecimal: Who is this Phantom of the Opera!?! And why is he causing such chaos? That is MY job! [is very livid]
Bob: You idiots!
Mouse: Gee, thanks, Bob…
Bob: [throws the script at her and runs over to Hexadecimal] Cara, Cara, are you hurt?
[Hexadecimal suddenly smiles happily, glad that Bob appears concerned]
Megabyte: Signora! Are you all right?
Hexadecimal: Quite all right, brother.
Megabyte: Curses… Buquet! Where is Buquet!?
Bob: Is nobody concerned for our prima donna?
Hexadecimal: [pats his hand] Your concern is all I need…
Bob: Uhm…
Dot: [scowls at Hexadecimal] [mutters at Jada] You’d better have a good reason for doing this…
Jada: Hm… besides laughing at Bob being awkward around her?
Dot: [considers this and then starts laughing] Good point…
Megabyte: Get that man down here! [to the Captain and Mr. Christopher] Chief of the flies. He’s responsible for this.
[the drop is raised high enough to reveal upstage is… nobody]
Dot: ENZO!
Enzo: [comes running into the theatre and knocks AndrAIa over in his haste to get to his place] Sorry about that AndrAIa!
[AndrAIa sighs and picks herself up off the ground]
Enzo: I’m really really sorry about that everyone, I was just really busy and I forgot all about it and then I realized that I was supposed to be here, so I ran as fast as I could, but I think I’m a little late, but I’m really looking forward to this, because I get to be that guy with the noose and this is really alphanumeric…
Jada: ENZO! Get in PLACE!
Enzo: Yes’m. [runs up to his place]
Megabyte: Buquet! For God’s sake, man, what’s going on up there?
Enzo: Please, Monsieur, I…
Megabyte: Please do not start that incessant prattle again, I would SO hate to break my promise to not harm any of you.
Enzo: [gulps]
Mouse: We noticed…
Enzo: Please, Monsieur
Mouse: [looking up] He’s there, the Phantom of the Opera…
Captain: Good heavens! Will you show a little courtesy?
Mr. Christopher: [to Mouse] Mademoiselle, please!
Captain: [to Hexadecimal] These things do happen…
Hexadecimal: SI! These things DO happen! Well, until you stop these things happening, THIS thing does NOT happen! Ubaldo! Andiamo!
[Bob sighs and fetches her furs from the wings]
Hexadecimal: Ooh, furs… how pretty…
Bob: Amateurs!
[Bob and Hexadecimal exit]
Megabyte: I don’t think there’s much more to assist you, gentlemen. Good luck. If you need me, I shall be… very far away from here. I am DONE with this accursed play! [exits]
[the company looks anxiously at the new managers]
Captain: La Carlotta will be back.
Dot: Oh, you think so, monsieurs? I have a message, sir, from the Opera Ghost.
[Mouse and AndrAIa try to appear afraid]
Mouse: Eeek.
AndrAIa: Meep?
Mr. Christopher: God in Heaven, you’re all obsessed!
Dot: He merely welcomes you to his opera house and commands you to continue to leave Box Five empty for his use and reminds you that his salary is due.
Mr. Christopher: His salary?
Dot: Monsieur Lefevre paid him twenty thousand francs a month. Perhaps you can afford more, with the Vicomte de Chagny as your patron.
[reaction from the ballet girls; AndrAIa reads her script: “Christine takes hold of Meg nervously”. She shrugs and flings her arms around Mouse]
Captain: [to Dot] Madame, I had hoped to make that announcement myself.
Dot: Too bad for you. Will the Vicomte be at the performance tonight, monsieur?
Mr. Christopher: In our box.
Captain: Madame, who is the understudy for this role?
Phong: There IS no understudy, monsieur – the production is new.
Mouse: Christine Daae could sing it, sir!
Mr. Christopher: AndrAIa? I mean, the chorus girl?
Mouse: She’s been takin’ lessons from a great teachah.
Captain: From whom?
Mouse: Ah… don’ know, sir.
Mr. Christopher: Oh, not you too! [turning to the Captain] Can you believe it? A full house – and we have to cancel! We shall never make a profit like this!
Dot: Let her sing for you, monsieur, she has been well taught. [raises eyes to ceiling and mutters] At least we hope so…
Phong: [pauses] From the beginning of the aria then, mam’selle.
AndrAIa: [stands up, looking a little nervous; she starts shakily]
Mr. Christopher: Andre, this is doing nothing for my nerves…
Captain: Don’t fret, Firmin.
AndrAIa: [glares at them and stands up straighter]
[behind her, the scenery changes to the actual ‘performance’]
AndrAIa: We never said
[everyone is staring]
Mouse: Woah, sugah… Ah didn’ know you could SING!
Raytracer: [in the manager’s box, finally showing up] Can it be? Can it be Christine? Bravo! What a change! You’re really no he gawkish girl that once you were…
AndrAIa: [turns to glare at him, hands on hips] Gawkish?
Raytracer: [shrugs] She may not remember me, but I remember her!
AndrAIa: Oh, how could one forget you, Ray… [coughs and finishes the song]
SCENE TWO
[curtain closes upstage; ballet girls (Mouse…) run over to “Christine” and gush over her. AndrAIa hands Mouse a flower from her bouquet; Phong stiffly gives her his approval)
Dot: [to AndrAIa] Yes, you did well. He will be please. [to Mouse] And YOU! You were a disgrace tonight! Such ronds de jambe! Such temps de cuisse!
Mouse: Oh holy French lesson!
Dot: Here – we rehearse. NOW!
Mouse: Awww…!
[Dot emphasizes this with the cane – accidentally hitting Mouse’s foot]
Mouse: YOW!
[AndrAIa moves slowly downstage, away from Dot and Mouse, as her dressing room becomes visible; sneaking away from Dot, who is still laughing about hitting her foot, Mouse follows her. As AndrAIa is about to open the dressing room door, she hears the “Phantom’s” voice out of nowhere]
Matrix: Bravi, bravi, bravissmi…
[just about everyone jumps]
AndrAIa: [glares up at the ceiling] Must you?
Mouse: Where in the world have you been hidin’? Really, you were perfect! Ah only wish Ah knew your secret! Who is this new tutor?
AndrAIa: [regaining her composure and getting back in character] Father once spoke of an angel…. I used to dream he’d appear… Now as I sing, I can sense him… And I know he’s here… Here in this room he calls me softly… somewhere inside… hiding… Somehow I know he’s always with me… he – the unseen genius…
Mouse: Christine, you must have been dreamin’ – Matrix, a genius? Stories like this can’ come true!
[AndrAIa tries to not laugh]
Mouse: Christine, you’re talkin’ in riddles, and it’s not like you.
AndrAIa: Angel of Music! Guide and Guardian!
[Mouse snickers]
AndrAIa: Grand me to your glory!
Mouse: Who is this angel? And what is UP with this Christine character?
AndrAIa: I dunno, but she’s kinda weird…
Mouse: This…
Both: Angel of Music! Hide no longer! Secret and strange angel…
Mouse: Ah think tha’ the Phantom is more normal than Christine…
AndrAIa: You are really down on Christine, aren’t you?
He’s with me, even now…
Mouse: Your hands are cold…
AndrAIa: They turned off my heat…
Jada: Oh, don’t you start that!
AndrAIa: [sighs] All around me…
Mouse: Your face, Christine, it’s white…
AndrAIa: It frightens me… Eek.
Mouse: Don’t be frightened.
AndrAIa: I’m not.
Mouse: Okay then.
[They look at each other and Mouse crosses her eyes; Dot walks in]
Dot: Meg Giry. Are you a dancer?
Mouse: Well, no…
AndrAIa: Yeah, we’ve seen her dance…
Dot: Then come and practice; you need it all the more.
[Mouse leaves]
Dot: My dear, I was asked to give you this. [hands AndrAIa a note and leaves]
AndrAIa: A red scarf… the attic… Little Lotte… [raises eyebrow and looks at the audience] And the plot thickens.
SCENE THREE
[Raytracer (Raoul), the Captain (Andre), Mr. Christopher (Firmin), and Princess Bula (Madame Firmin… heh heh…) are seen making their way towards the dressing room, in high spirts, bearing champange – need we spell this out for you? I thought not… *eg*]
Captain: A tour de force! No other way to describe it!
Mr. Christopher: What a relief! Not a single refund!
Raytracer: Yet…
Bula: Greedy.
Captain: Richard, I think we have made quite a discovery in Miss Daae!
Mr. Christopher: [to Ray, indicating dressing room[ Here we are, Monsieur le Vicomte.
Raytracer: Gentlemen, if you wouldn’t mind, this is one visit I should prefer to make unaccompanied. [takes champange from the Captain]
Captain: As you wish, monsieur.
[they exit]
Mr. Christopher: They appear to have met before…
[Raytracer knocks on the door and enters]
AndrAIa: It is customary to wait until I acknowledge your presence BEFORE you open the door, Ray.
Raytracer: [just grins] Christine Daae, where is your scarf?
AndrAIa: Oh, I left it in my other icon…! [says her line] Monsieur?
Raytracer: You can’t have lost it. After all the trouble I took. I was just fourteen and soaked to the skin…
AndrAIa: Because you had run into the sea to fetch my scarf. Wow… you’re a real idiot, aren’t you?
Raytracer: Hey, a fool in love…
AndrAIa: Get off it before Matrix hears you. Oh Raoul! So it is you! I should hope so, considering you just barged into “my” dressing room like that…
Raytracer: Christine.
AndrAIa: Oh Raoul!
Raytracer: Oh Christine!
AndrAIa: Oh Ra…
Jada: Stop that!
[AndrAIa and Raytracer hug and laugh; AndrAIa moves away and sits at the dressing room table]
Raytracer: “Little Lotte let her mind wander…”
AndrAIa: You remember that, too…
Raytracer: [points at his head] Mind like a zip file.
AndrAIa: [smiles sweetly] A broken one, yes…
Raytracer: “…Little Lotte thought: Am I fonder of dolls…”
Both: “… or of goblins, or shoes…”
AndrAIa: “… or of riddles, or frocks…” Frocks? What in the Net…?
Raytracer: Those picnics in the attic… “… or of chocolates…”
AndrAIa: Chocolate, without a doubt. Father playing his violin…
Raytracer: As we read to each other dark stories of the North…
AndrAIa: “No, what I love best, Lotte said, is when I’m asleep in my bed, and the Angel of Music sings songs in my head!”
Both: “… the Angel of Music sings songs in my head!”
AndrAIa: Father said, “When I’m in heaven, child, I will send the Angel of Music to you.” Well, father is dead, Raoul, and I HAVE been visited by the Angel of Music.
Raytracer: What, is this girl random or something? No doubt of it! And now we’ll go to supper.
AndrAIa: No, Raoul, the Angel of Music is very strict… The ultimate chaperone, no wonder this Christine girl is messed up.
Raytracer: I shan’t keep you up late!
AndrAIa: No, Raoul…
Raytracer: YOU must change. I must get my hat. Two minutes – Little Lotte. [hurries out]
AndrAIa: Raoul! Honestly… some men just don’t understand the meaning of the word no.
[interesting music; AndrAIa hears Matrix’s voice, seemingly from behind her dressing room mirror]
Matrix: Insolent boy! This slave of fashion! Basking in YOUR glory! Ignorant fool! This brave young suitor, sharing in MY triumph!
AndrAIa: [knocks on window] You’re enjoying this far too much, lover. [coughs and looks at Jada, who’s the only one watching; everyone else is backstage] Angel! I hear you! Speak – I listen… stay by my side, guide me! Angel, my soul was weak – forgive me… [voice falters] Enter at last, Master? What the…!?
Jada: Eeep! [hides behind her hands]
[AndrAIa scowls at her]
Matrix: Flattering child, you shall know me, see why in shadow I hide. Look at your face in the mirror – I am there inside!
[figure of the “Phantom” becomes apparent behind mirror]
AndrAIa: Angel of Music! Guide and Guardian! [small laugh at her little pun] Grant me to your… glory… [sighs] Angel of Music! Hide no longer! Come to me, strange angel…
Matrix: I am your Angel… Come to me: Angel of Music…
[AndrAIa walks towards the glowing, shimmering mirror. Meanwhile, Raytracer has returned; he hears the voices within and tries the door; it is locked – of course. *g*]
Raytracer: Whose is that voice…? Who IS that in there…?
[inside, the mirror opens to reveal Matrix standing there as the Phantom; he reaches forward gently and takes AndrAIa’s hand]
Matrix: I am your Angel of Music… Come to me: Angel of Music…
[AndrAIa disappears through the mirror, which, of course, shuts behind her; the door of the dressing room suddenly unlocks – how convenient – and Raytracer bursts in to find the room empty]
Raytracer: Christine! Angel!
Mouse: He’s not in this one, sugah…
Jada: [sighs] I knew I shouldn’t have let you listen to Rent…
SCENE FOUR
[we are now in the Phantom’s labyrinth underneath the theatre; candles rise from the stage and AndrAIa and Matrix are in a boat which moves slowly across the misty waters of the underground lake; everyone else comes from backstage to sit in the audience; this is the first time Matrix has to actually sing and they are curious]
Dot: To say the least.
AndrAIa: In sleep he sang to me
[everyone holds their breath – do sprites breathe?]
Matrix: Sing once again with me
[everyone gapes; Matrix is GOOD! Hehe…]
AndrAIa: Those who have seen your face
Matrix: It’s me they hear…
Both: Your/my spirit
Offstage Voices (The Mainframe Strolling Players, our fail-safe chorus…): He’s there
Matrix: In all your fantasies
AndrAIa: … were both in you…
Both: And in this labyrinth
Matrix: Sing, my Angel of Music!
AndrAIa: He’s there
[AndrAIa begins to “vocalize strangely” (how else does one put it?), her voice becoming higher and higher until the song ends; everyone picks their jaws up off the ground]
Bob: Woah… typecasting or not, those two are good…
Mouse: Ah nevah knew Matrix could SING…
[Matrix and AndrAIa take note of the attention and blush]
SCENE FIVE
[we change scenes to the Phantom’s lair – oooh, lair, how ominous sounding… anyway. Downstage, the candles from the lake lift up, revealing candelabras outlining the space; the boat turns into a bed; there is a huge pipe organ at which Matrix is seated, taking over the accompaniment]
Dot: Sheesh, Matrix, you can play the organ too?
Matrix: [grins sheepishly] You’d be surprised…
AndrAIa: [settles down happily in the boat/bed] Well, I for one am not complaining, considering the next song is entirely YOU, lover. [cheeky grin]
Matrix: [sighs] Oh boy…
Raytracer: Indeed… [looks at the other guys] Okay, mates, this is our cue to go get lunch…
[Mouse rolls her eyes]
Matrix: I have brought you
Mouse: Okay, this guy is a little strange too, just a bit obsessive…
Dot: Duh…
Matrix: [trying to ignore the running commentary from the audience]
[AndrAIa studies the script, seeing that she is supposed to actually get up, see an oversized doll, then faint and sighs. Throwing her script over her shoulder, she pretends to faint in the bed/boat]
Matrix: [rolls eyes]
Bob: [poking head back into the theatre] Is it safe to come back in now?
Mouse: If Ah say no, will you go away?
Dot: [pokes her] We need him, he’s Piangi.
SCENE SIX
[the stage lights brighten and we see Matrix sitting at the organ, messing about and pretending to compose music; there is a music box in the shape of a barrel organ next to the bed and as AndrAIa “wakes” it begins to play]
AndrAIa: I remember there was mist…
[strangled giggles; AndrAIa rises and walks over to Matrix, who pretends not to see her; she tries multiple times to take the mask he’s wearing off]
AndrAIa: Who was that shape in the shadows?
Whose is the face in that mask? Dang you, hold still!
[she finally succeeds in taking the mask off; Matrix leaps to his feet and rounds on her; she clearly sees his face, but the audience does not]
Matrix: Curse you! You little prying Pandora! You little demon – is this what you wanted to see? Curse you! You little lying Delilah! You little viper – now you cannot ever be free! Curse you…
[AndrAIa is sitting on the floor, at first it looks like she’s frightened but we slowly see that she is laughing]
AndrAIa: You look so silly when you PRETEND to be mad!
Matrix: [sighs] Andi, you are totally ruining the effect that I’m trying to get here…
Mouse: Ah thought he was pretty convincing, myself…
[various nods and murmurs of agreement]
Matrix: Stranger than you dreamt it
AndrAIa: [cheeky grin] Without effort.
Matrix: This loathsome gargoyle who burns in Hades
AndrAIa: Am I the only one who feels sorry for this guy?
Jada: Nope! I felt really sorry for him when I saw the show live…
Mouse: Tha’ Christine is just a creep.
[various “here here!” and the like]
Matrix: But Christine…
AndrAIa: Okay, that’s a new one.
Matrix: You’ll learn to see
AndrAIa: Aww, lover, you’re not a monster…
Matrix: I never said I was, those are the words to the song, now must you keep this up?
AndrAIa: Yes.
Matrix: Oh, sheesh, these are lovely lyrics…
AndrAIa: The Phantom doesn’t have too much self-confidence, does he?
Dot: Would you, if you were him?
Matrix: But secretly dreams of beauty… Oh, Christine…
Jada: I think Matrix should get a medal for keeping with his lines while we are sitting here talking.
[Matrix holds out his hand for the mask, which she gives to him; he puts it on and turns towards the audience]
Matrix: Come, we must return: those two fools who run my theatre will be missing you.
AndrAIa: Possessive, aren’t we?
Matrix: Hush.
[the lair fades away as Matrix and AndrAIa exit]
SCENE SEVEN
Mouse: Okay, boys, it’s safe to come back in now!
[Enzo appears, an old blanket serving as a cloak, and a piece of rope as the Punjab lasso; he is showing off to the Ballet Girls, IE, Mouse, who is not impressed]
Enzo: Like yellow parchment is his skin
Mouse: Sugah, you’d bettah watch wha’ you say, Matrix won’ take kindly to tha’ description.
[Enzo rolls his eyes and demonstrates his definace against the Punjab lasso; he inserts his hand between his neck and the noose and pulls the rope taunt; Mouse tries to react with horror and delight]
Mouse: [monotone] Wow…
Enzo: You must be always on your guard
Mouse: Oh holy medieval cowboy…
[a trap door opens center stage, casting the shadow of Matrix as he emerges; Mouse runs off in mock terror; Matrix, leading AndrAIa, glares at Enzo; sweeping his cape around AndrAIa, he exists with her; before they go, Dot has entered, observing silently; she turns on Enzo]
Dot: Those who speak of what they know find, too late, that prudent silence is wise. Joseph Buquet, hold your tongue – he will burn you with the heat of his eyes.
Mouse: Or with his gun…
SCENE EIGHT
[desks, chairs, papers; Mr. Christopher is looking at a newspaper article]
Mr. Christopher: “Mystery after gala night,” it says, “Mystery of soprano’s flight!” “Mystified, baffled Surete say, we are mystified – we suspect foul play!” [lowers paper] Bad news on the soprano scene – first Carlotta, now Christine! Still, at least the seats get sold – gossip’s worth its weight in gold!
[the Captain bursts in]
Captain: Cursors and clashers! Will they all walk out? This is preposterous!
Mr. Christopher: André, please don’t shout.
Captain: But we have no cast!
Mr. Christopher: But André, have you seen the queue? [pulls out too letters from the Phantom] Oh, it seems you’ve got one too…
[Mr. Christopher hands letter to the Captain who opens it up and reads]
Captain: “Dear André,
Mr. Christopher: “Dear Firmin,
Both: Who would have the call to send this!
Mr. Christopher: [examining letters] These are both signed “O.G.”…
Captain: Who in the Net is he!?
Both: [realizing] Opera Ghost!
Mr. Christopher: It’s really not amusing!
Captain: He’s abusing our position!
Mr. Christopher: In addition he wants money!
Captain: He’s a funny sort of spectre…
Both: To expect a large retainer! Nothing plainer – he is clearly quite insane!
[they are interrupted by the arrival of Raytracer, who has another note]
Raytracer: Where is she?
Captain: You mean Carlotta?
Raytracer: What, are you daft? I mean Miss Daae! Where is she?
Mr. Christopher: Well, how should we know? She and Matrix went off somewhere…
Raytracer: I want an answer – I take it that you sent me this note?
Mr. Christopher: What’s all this nonsense?
Captain: Of course not!
Mr. Christopher: Don’t look at us!
Raytracer: She’s not with you then?
Captain: Do you see her, laddie?
Mr. Christopher: Of course not!
Captain: We’re in the dark!
[sound of sparks; the lights go out, and everyone looks at the ceiling]
Captain: I didn’t mean that literally, you scurvy dogs!
Enzo’s Voice: Frisket! I told you not to touch that!
[collective sigh]
Bob’s Voice: I think I’ve got it… OW! Enzo!
Enzo’s Voice: Sorry…
[the lights go back on]
Raytracer: Monsieur, don’t argue – isn’t this the letter you wrote?
Mr. Christopher: And what is it that we are meant to have wrote? [pauses] Written!
[Raytracer hands the note to the Captain, who reads it]
Captain: “Do not fear for Miss Daae. The Angel of Music has her under his wing. Make no attempt to see her again.”
Raytracer: If you didn’t write it, who did?
[Hexadecimal bursts in; she too has a note]
Hexadecimal: Where is he!?
Captain: Ah, welcome back…
Hexadecimal: Your precious patron, where is he?
Raytracer: What is it now?
Hexadecimal: [to Raytracer] I have your letter – a letter which I rather resent!
Mr. Christopher: [to Raytracer] And did you send it?
Raytracer: Of course not!
Captain: As if he would!
Hexadecimal: You didn’t send it?
Raytracer: Of course not!
Mr. Christopher: What’s going on…?
Hexadecimal: [to Raytracer] You dare to tell me that this is not the letter you sent!?
Raytracer: And what is it that I’m meant to have sent? [takes letter and reads it] “Your days at the Opera Populaire are numbered. Christine Daae will be singing on your behalf tonight. Be prepared for a great misfortune should you attempt to take her place.”
Captain & Mr. Christopher: Far too m any notes for MY taste –
[Dot enters with Mouse]
Dot: Miss Daae has returned.
Mr. Christopher: I trust her midnight oil is well and truly burned.
Mouse: Depends on who you’re talkin’ to, sugah.
Captain: Where precisely is she now?
Dot: I thought it best if she went home…
Mouse: She needed rest.
Raytracer: May I see her?
Dot: No, monsieur, she will see no one.
Hexadecimal: Will she sing? Will she sing?
Dot: Here, I have a note…
Raytracer, Hexadecimal, & Captain: Let me see it!
Mr. Christopher: [snatches it] Please! [starts to read, gradually Matrix’s voice takes over] “Gentlemen, I have now sent you sever al notes of the most amiable nature, detailing how my theatre is to be run. You have not followed my instructions. I shall give you one last chance…”
Matrix’s Voice: [taking over] Christine Daae has returned to you, and I am anxious her career should progress. In the new production of “Il Muto”, you will therefore cast Carlotta as the pageboy and put Miss Daae in the role of the Countess. The role which Miss Daae plays calls for charm and appeal. The role of the Pageboy is silent – which makes my casting, in a word, ideal.
Hexadecimal: Ooooh, how dare he!? Is he suggesting my singing isn’t good!?
Matrix’s Voice: I shall watch the performance from my normal seat in Box Five, which will be kept empty for me. Should these commands be ignored, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur.
Mr. Christopher: [taking over] “I remain, gentlemen, your obedient servant, O.G.”
Hexadecimal: Christine!
Captain: Whatever next…?
Hexadecimal: It’s all a ploy to help Christine!
Mouse: Very observant of you.
[Dot hushes her]
Mr. Christopher: This is insane…
Hexadecimal: I know who sent this! [points accusing finger] The Vicomte! Her lover!
Matrix: What!?
AndrAIa: No, no, script again…
Matrix: Right, right…
Raytracer: Indeed. Can you believe this?
Captain: [to Hexadecimal] Signora!
Hexadecimal: O traditori!
Mr. Christopher: [to Hexadecimal] This is a joke!
Captain: This changes nothing!
Hexadecimal: O mentitori!
Mr. Christopher: Signora!
Captain: You are our star!
Mr. Christopher: And always will be!
Captain: Signora…
Mr. Christopher: The man is mad!
Captain: We don’t take orders!
Mr. Christopher: Miss Daae will be playing the pageboy – the silent role…
Captain & Mr. Christopher: Carlotta will be playing the lead.
Mouse: These guys really ARE dumb, aren’ they?
Hexadecimal: [pouting] It’s useless trying to appease me! You’re only saying this to please me!
Dot: Considering you could blow up the theatre, yes…
Hexadecimal: Signori, e vero? Non, non, non voglio udire! Lasciatemi morire! O padre mio! Dio!
[everyone stares]
Bob: Where did she learn that?
Hexadecimal: One, it’s in the script. Two, I have way too much time on my hands now that you lot won’t let me cause random mayhem in Mainframe anymore.
Dot: Who scorn his word, beware to those…
Hexadecimal: [to Captain and Mr. Christopher] You have reviled me!
Dot: The angel sees, the angel knows…
Mike the TV: He’s omnipotent! Act now and we’ll throw in our special OFFER!
All: MIKE!
[Mike runs away]
Raytracer: Why did Christine fly from my arms…?
Mouse: Uhm, perhaps because a.) She has a boyfriend, b.) Her boyfriend could really squish you like a bug, and c.) You HAVE a girlfriend…
Raytracer: I know that, Mouse.
Hexadecimal: You have rebuked me!
Mr. Christopher: Signora, please…
Hexadecimal: You have replaced me!
Captain: Please, Signora, we beseech you…
Dot: This hour shall see your darkest fears…
Mouse: Well, aren’ you just a ray of sunshine…
Raytracer: I must see her…
Hexadecimal: Abbandonata! Deseredata! O, sventurata!
Dot: The angel knows, the angel hears… I SAID that already!
Raytracer: Where did she go…?
Mouse: Okay, SOMEBODY’S a little fixated on this chick…
Raytracer: You’re just jealous.
Mouse: Ah am NOT!
Hexadecimal: Abbandonata! Disgraziata! This is fun!
Mr. Christopher: Signora, sing for us! Don’t be a martyr…
Dot: What new surprises lie in store… [pokes Raytracer and Mouse] Will you two stop sulking?
Captain: Our star…!
Hexadecimal: Non vo’ cantar!
[all look at Hexadecimal]
Captain: Your public needs you!
Mr. Christopher: We need you, too!
Hexadecimal: [scowling with a pout] Would you not rather have your precious little ingenue?
Raytracer: Well, actually…
[Mouse kicks him]
Raytracer: OW!
Captain: Signora, no! The world wants you!
Mr. Christopher: Prima donna, first lady of the stage! Your devotees are on their knees to implore you!
Captain: Can you bow out when they’re shouting your name?
Mr. Christopher: Think of how they all adore you!
Captain & Mr. Christopher: Prima donna, enchant us once again!
Captain: Think of your muse…
Mr. Christopher: And of the queues round the theatre!
Captain & Mr. Christopher: Can you deny us the triumph in store? Sing, prima donna, once more!
[Hexadecimal finally agrees, with a wide grin; the others reflect on the situation]
Raytracer: Christine spoke of an angel…
Hexadecimal: HAH! Prima donna, your song shall live again! I get to sing, I get to sing…
Captain: [to Hexadecimal] Think of your public!
Hexadecimal: [still to herself] You took a snub – how nasty – but there’s a public who needs you!
Dot: [re Christine] She has heard the voice of the angel of music… This character is pretty strange, isn’t she?
Mouse: Sugah, they all are.
Mr. Christopher: [to Hexadecimal] Those who hear your voice liken you to an angel!
Raytracer: Actually, more like a…
[Hexadecimal glares at him and he chokes off midsentence]
Hexadecimal: Think of their cry of undying support!
Raytracer: Is this her angel of music…?
Captain: [to Mr. Christopher] We get our opera…
Mr. Christopher: [to Captain] She gets her limelight!
Mouse: Is this ghost an angel or a madman…?
Raytracer: Angel or madman…?
Mouse: And can Ah ansah tha’?
Dot: Better not.
Captain: [aside] Leading ladies are a trial!
Hexadecimal: Prima donna, your song shall never die!
Mouse: Voice of Hades or heaven?
Dot: Heaven help you, those who doubt…
Mouse: Okay, Dot, your character is really started to get on my nerves.
Hexadecimal: You’ll sing again, and to unending ovation!
Raytracer: Orders! Warnings! Lunatic demands! This whole play is random!
Dot: This miscasting will invite… bad things.
Mr. Christopher: Tears… oaths… lunatic demands are regular occasions!
Mouse: Hm, bliss or eternal suffering, which has claimed her?
Hexadecimal: Think how you’ll shine in that final encore! Sing, prima donna, once more!
Dot: Oh fools, to have flouted his warnings!
Mouse: All right, just shut up.
Dot: Hey, at least I’M sticking to the script!
Raytracer: Surely, for her sake…
Mouse: Surely he’ll strike back… Woah, we’re doin’ Star Wars now?
Jada: No, Mouse…
Captain: Surely there’ll be further scenes – worse than this!
Mouse: Sheesh, can’ SOMEBODY be cheerful around here!?
Dot: Think, before these demands are rejected!
Raytracer: … I must see these demands are rejected!
Mouse: … if his threats and demands are rejected!
Mr. Christopher: Who’d believe a diva happy to relieve a chorus girl, who’s gone and slept with the patron?
Matrix’s Voice: What!?!
AndrAIa’s Voice: SCRIPT, Matrix!
[Raytracer looks offstage and gulps]
Captain: Raoul and the soubrette, entwined in love’s duet! Although he may demur, he must have been with her!
Raytracer: Captain, do me a REALLY big favor and SHUT UP.
Mouse: [sourly] Christine must be protected.
Raytracer: Oh, don’t you start…
Hexadecimal: O, fortunata! Non ancor abbandonata!
Mr. Christopher: You’d never get away with all this in a play, but if it’s loudly sung and in a foreign tongue, it’s just the sort of story audiences adore, in fact a perfect opera!
Dot: Just like we haven’t a clue what Hexadecimal is saying…
[Hexadecimal smirks]
Raytracer: His game is over!
[long pause]
Matrix’s Voice: Okay, now that was just mean.
Raytracer: [protesting] It was in the script!
Bob: Suuuuuuure…
Dot: This is a game you cannot hope to win!
Mouse: This is disturbin’ me…
Raytracer: And in Box Five a new game will begin!
Matrix’s Voice: Okay, just shut up about the games!
Dot: For, if his curse is on this opera…
Mouse: Which, of course, you know it IS…
Captain: Prima donna, the world is at your feet!
Hexadecimal: Well, I knew that…
Mr. Christopher: A nation waits, and how it hates to be cheated!
Hexadecimal: [dramatic sigh] The stress that falls upon a famous prima donna! Terrible diseases, coughs and colds and sneezes! Still, the driest throat will reach the highest note, in search of the perfect opera!
Mouse: … then Ah fear the outcome…
Raytracer: Christine plays the Pageboy, Carlotta plays the Countess…
Mouse: Thank you for statin’ the obvious, sugah.
Dot: … should you dare to…
Mouse … when you once again… By the Net, can’ anyone finish their sentences around here!?
All: Light up the stage with that age-old rapport! Sing, prima donna, once more!
Matrix’s Voice: So it is to be war between us! If these demands are not met, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur!
Mouse: [to audience] Once again, the plot thickens.
All: Once more!
SCENE NINE
[we are at a performance of ‘Il Muto’; Raytracer, the Captain, and Mr. Christopher are heading to their seats]
Raytracer: Gentlemen, if you would care to take your seats? I shall be sitting in Box Five.
Captain: Do you really think that’s wise, monsieur?
Mr. Christopher: Yeah, he’s already mad at you…
Raytracer: My dear André, there would appear to be no seats available, other than Box Five.
[Raytracer goes to sit down; the “curtain” rises to show an 18th century set; the Countess is played by Hexadecimal; the pageboy, Serafimo, is disguised as a maid and is played by AndrAIa – at this point, they are both hidden behind the drapes of the bed, which are drawn; there are supposed to be three other people besides Hexadecimal, AndrAIa, and Mouse, who is also onstage, but we’re short…]
Mouse: Er… Ah guess Ah’ll just do this myself then…
[the canopy drapes part and we see Hexadecimal and AndrAIa sitting as far apart as they can possibly manage]
AndrAIa: I’m not kissing her. Not even if it’s pretend! No way, no how!
Jada: Whatever.
[attention turns to the Captain and Mr. Christopher in their box]
Captain: Nothing like the old operas!
Mr. Christopher: Or the old scenery!
Captain: The old singers!
Mr. Christopher: The old audience!
Captain: And every seat sold!
Mr. Christopher: Hardly a disaster beyond all imagination!
[they nod at Raytracer in the opposite box and he nods back in acknowledgment]
Hexadecimal: Serafimo – your disguise is perfect. [hears a knock at the door] Why, who can this be?
Bob: [as Don Attilio] It’s me.
Hexadecimal: Bob? I thought this was supposed to be played by somebody else…?
Mouse: We’re short.
[Hexadecimal shrugs and lets Bob in]
Bob: I am called to England on affairs of State and must leave you with your new maid.
Mouse: [cheerfully] You’re leavin’ words out, Bob!
Bob: [through gritted teeth] Shut it.
Hexadecimal: [aside] The old fool’s leaving!
Bob: [aside, in monotone] I suspect that she’s untrue to me; I shall not leave, but hide over there to observe her. [to Hexadecimal] Addio!
Hexadecimal: Addio!
Both: Addio!
[Bob pretends to leave but really just goes and “hides”; Hexadecimal turns back to AndrAIa, who is looking bored]
Hexadecimal: Serafimo – away with this pretense!
AndrAIa: Touch me and I’ll demonstrate why these nails aren’t just for show.
Hexadecimal: You cannot speak but kiss me in my husbands absense!
[AndrAIa just scowls]
AndrAIa: How do I get talked into these things?
Mouse: Same way we all did, sugah – without one say in it whatsoevah.
Hexadecimal: Poor fool, he makes me laugh! Haha, haha!
AndrAIa: Time I tried to find a way out of this… [looks for an exit]
Hexadecimal: Poor fool, he doesn’t know!
[suddenly, Matrix’s voice appears from nowhere]
AndrAIa: [looks at ceiling] You really are an angel!
Matrix’s Voice: Did I not instruct that Box Five was to be kept empty!?
Mouse: He’s here! The Phantom of the Opera!
Dot: Uh, yeah, we noticed….
AndrAIa: It’s him, I know it, it’s him! [softly] Thank the Net for him…
Hexadecimal: [to AndrAIa] YOUR part is silent, little toad!
Matrix’s Voice: A toad, madame? Perhaps it is YOU who are the toad…
Hexadecimal: Grrrrr!
[instead of singing, her voice croaks, like a toad; Hexadecimal is startled, but regains herself and continues; even more disturbing is the sound of Matrix’s laughing – quietly at first, but gradually getting louder and more hysterical]
AndrAIa: You are having FAR too much fun, lover…
Hexadecimal: Poor fool, he makes me laugh – hahahahahaha [voice croaks again[
[as before, but she starts to get more hysterical as she can’t stop croaking; Matrix’s laughter continues to rise as the chandelier’s lights blink on and off]
Matrix’s Voice: Behold! She is singing to bring down the chandelier!
[Hexadecimal looks tearfully up at the Captain and Mr. Christopher and shakes he head]
Hexadecimal: Non posso piu… I cannot… I cannot go on…
Bob: [going over to her] Cara, cara… It’s all right…
[Hexadecimal is sobbing]
Bob: [sighs and looks at Dot, who shrugs] Hex, Hex, it’s all right, c’mon… [leads her offstage]
Dot: I think… somebody really needs to explain the difference between acting and real life to her.
Jada: [looks at her, then looks after Hexadecimal, then back at Dot] Be my guest.
[Captain and Mr. Christopher rush onstage to placate the “audience”]
Mr. Christopher: Ladies and gentlemen, the performace will continue in ten minutes’ time… [looks warily at Box Five] … when the role of the Countess will be sung by Miss Christine Daae.
Captain: In the meantime, ladies and gentlemen, we shall be giving you the ballet from Act Three of tonight’s opera. [to conductor] Maestro – the ballet – now!
[Mouse curses profusely]
[Captain and Mr. Christopher leave the stage, the music starts again, and Mouse attempts to dance; while this is going on, we see a series of threatening shadows upstage; suddenly, the “garroted” body of Enzo falls onto the stage]
Enzo: Owww…
Matrix: [from above] Sorry about that, kid!
[pandemonium]
AndrAIa: Ray! RAY!
[Raytracer runs onstange, wincing a bit]
Raytracer: Not so loud, Andi…
AndrAIa: Too the roof! We’ll be safe there! Oh, yeah, that makes sense…
Mr. Christopher: [attempting to calm the audience] Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats! Do not panic! It was an accident – simply an accident!
Dot: [to audience] Need we say it again? And the plot thickens FURTHER…
SCENE TEN
[We are now on the roof. How? We’re magical.]
Raytracer: Why have you brought us here?
AndrAIa: It was in the script.
Raytracer: We must return!
AndrAIa: We can’t yet!
Raytracer: Be still now…
AndrAIa: I can’t, I’m so sick of this play…
Raytracer: Andi, will you stop it?
AndrAIa: No. I’m having too much fun.
Raytracer: Don’t even think it…
AndrAIa: Think what? [sweetly]
Raytracer: Forget this waking nightmare…
AndrAIa: [wryly] I’m trying, believe me.
Raytracer: [shakes head] You’re impossible.
AndrAIa: Quite. The Phantom of the opera will kill…
Raytracer: [rolls eyes] This phantom is a fable, believe me…
AndrAIa: Okay, proof that Raoul is basic!
Raytracer: There is no Phantom of the Opera…
AndrAIa: Okay, then who’s been freaking everyone out, huh, huh? Explain THAT!
Raytracer: I can’t finish this with her doing this!
AndrAIa: [laughs] I can’t HELP it, this is too LONG… I need a break.
Raytracer: We are so off track.
AndrAIa: We are…
[they scan the script]
Raytracer: Okay, where can we start up…
[AndrAIa points at a part and they hurry off]
Raytracer: As good a part as any…
[Matrix emerges from behind a statue]
Matrix: I suppose I should inform all you nice audience members that supposedly, “Raoul” and “Christine” agreed to get married, but since those two decided to just skip about two songs… [says his lines] I gave you my music… Made your song take wing… And now, how you’ve repaid me: denied me and betrayed me. He was bound to love you when he heard you sing… Christine… Christine…
[from offstage, we hear Raytracer and AndrAIa singing softly – and actually saying their lines!]
Raytracer & AndrAIa: Say you’ll share with me one love, one lifetime… Say the word and I will follow you… Share each day with me, each night, each morning…
Matrix: You will curse the day you did not do all that the Phantom asked of you!
[the roof of the opera house slowly disappears as the set changes back into the opera house where the “actors” of ‘Il Muto’ are taking their bows, with AndrAIa as the Countess; at the same time, we hear Matrix’s laughter and see him high above the stage, perilously rocking the chandelier; the lights of the chandelier begin flickering as it sways more rapidly]
Matrix: GO!
[the chandelier falls to the stage at AndrAIa’s feet, eliciting a startled yelp from various cast members]
Mouse: FINALLY! INTERMISSION!!!
Christine Daae – AndrAIa
Raoul, Vicomte de Chagny – Raytracer
Monsieur Firmin – Mr. Christopher
Monsieur André – Captain Capacitor
Carlotta Giudicelli – Hexadecimal
Madame Giry – Dot Matrix
Ubaldo Piangi – Bob
Monsieur Reyer – Phong
Auctioneer – Mike the TV
Meg Giry – Mouse
Monsieur Lefvre – Megabyte
Joseph Buquet – Enzo
Madame Firmin – Princess Bula
The Ballet Chorus of the Opera Populaire – The Mainframe Strolling Players
Obnoxious Author AKA “Director” – Jada (No, not self-insertion, not exactly…)
A collector’s piece indeed
Every detail exactly as she said
She often spoke of you, my friend
Your velvet lining and your figurine of lead
Will you still play when all the rest of us are dead?
SCENE ONE
Tonight in celebration
We greet the victorious throng
Returned to bring salvation
Hear, Romans, now and tremble!
Hark to our step on the ground!
Hannibal comes!
Threatened once more by Roma’s far-reaching grasp…
Sad to return to find the land we love
Threatened once more by Rome’s far reaching grasp
Tomorrow we shall break the chains of Rome
Tonight, rejoice – your army has come home
The elephants of Carthage!
As guides on our conquering quests
Dido sends
Hannibal’s friends!
My love returns in splendor!
Once more to those sweetest of charms
My heart and soul surrender…
Hear, Romans, now and tremble!
Hark to their step on the ground –
Hear the drums!
Hannibal comes!
Think of me fondly
When we’ve said goodbye
Remember me
Once in awhile –
Please promise me you’ll try
When you find that once again
You long to take your heart…
The Phantom of the Opera…
He is with us…
It’s the ghost!
Don’t look at me!
As God’s my witness
I was not at my post…
There’s no one there
And if there is, well,
Then it MUST be a ghost. WOW! A ghost! Alphanumeric!
Think of me
Think of me fondly
When we’ve said goodbye
Remember me once in a while –
Please promise me you’ll try
When you find that
Once again you long
To take your heart back
And be free –
If you ever find a moment
Spare a thought for me
Our love was evergreen
Or as unchanging as the sea
But if you can still remember
Stop and think of me
Think of all the things
We’ve shared and seen
Don’t think about the things
Which might have been…
Think of me
Think of me waking
Silent and resigned
Imagine me
Trying to hard
To put you from my mind
Recall those days
Look back on all those times
Think of the things we’ll never do –
There will never be a day
When I won’t think of you…
We never said our love
Was evergreen
Or as unchanging as the sea –
But please promise me
That sometimes you will
Think of me!
In dreams he came…
That voice which calls to me
And speaks my name…
And do I dream again?
For now I find
The Phantom of the Opera
Is there – inside my mind…
Our strange duet
My power over you
Grows stronger yet
And though you turn from me
To glance behind
The Phantom of the Opera
Is there – inside your mind…
Draw back in fear…
I am the mask you wear…
And your/my voice
In one combined:
The Phantom of the Opera
Is there – inside your/my mind…
The Phantom of the Opera…
Beware
The Phantom of the Opera…
You always knew
That man and mystery…
Where night is blind
The Phantom of the Opera
Is there/here – inside your/my mind…
The Phantom of the Opera…
To the seat of sweet music’s throne
To this kingdom
Where all must pay homage to music
Music…
You have come here
For one purpose
And one alone
Since the moment I first heard you sing
I have needed you with me to serve me, to sing
For my music
My music…
Nighttime sharpens
Heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defenses
Slowly, gently
Night unfurls its splendor
Grasp it, sense it
Tremulous and tender
Turn your face away
From the garish light of day
Turn your thoughts away
From cold unfeeling light
And listen to the music of the night
Close your eyes
And surrender to your darkest dreams
Purse your thoughts of the world you knew before
Close your eyes
Let your spirit start to soar
And you’ll live as you’ve never lived before
Softly, deftly
Music shall surround you
Feel it, hear it
Closing in around you
Open up- your mind
Let your fantasies unwind
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight
The darkness of the music of the night
Let your mind start a journey
Though a strange new world
Leave all thoughts of the world you new before
Let your soul
Take you where you long to be
Only then can you belong to me
Floating, falling
Sweet intoxication
Touch me, trust me
Savor each sensation
Let the dream begin
Let your darker side give in
To the power of the music that I write
The power of the music of the night…
You alone can make my soul take flight
Help me make the music of the night
Swirling mist upon a vast glassy lake…
There were candles all around
And on the lake there was a boat
And in the boat there was a man… By the Net, that was some trip!
Can you even dare to look
Or bear to think of me…
But secretly yearns for heaven…
Fear can turn to love
To find the man behind the monster
This repulsive carcass who seems a beast
A great black hole served as the nose that never grew…
Or he will catch you with his magical lasso!
What a way to run a business!
Spare me these unending trials!
Half your cast disappears
But the crowd still cheers!
Opera!
To heck with Gluck and Handel –
It’s a scandal that’ll
Pack ‘em in the aisles!
It’s publicity!
And the take is vast!
Free publicity!
What a charming gala! Christine enjoyed a great success! We were hardly bereft when Carlotta left – otherwise, the chorus was entrancing, but the dancing was a lamentable mess!”
Just a brief reminder: my salary has not been paid. Send it care of the ghost, by return of post – P.T.O.: No one likes a debtor, so it’s better if my orders are obeyed!”
Someone with a puerile brain!
And most of them about Christine!
All we’ve heard since we came is Miss Daae’s name…
They say tha’ this youth has set my Lady’s heart aflame!
His Lordship, sure, would die of shock!
His Lordship is a laughing-stock!
Should he suspect her, God protect her!
Shame! Shame! Shame!
This faithless lady’s bound for Hades!
Shame! Shame! Shame!
Time I tried to get a better half!
Hoho, hoho!
If he knew the truth he’d never, ever go!
Serafimo, away with this pretence! You cannot speak, but kiss me in my [voice croaks]