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ACT TWO
[we are now at a lovely, happy little ball, it’s a masquerade and everyone’s dressed in various costumes and partying till the cows come home – in other words, having a grand ol’ time; there is a large staircase at one end of the stage, upon which there are some party-ers]
Captain: [raising mask and looking at another costumed partygoer] Monsieur Firmin?
Mr. Christopher: [does same] Monsieur André? Dear André, what a splendid party!
Captain: The prologue to a bright new year!
Mr. Christopher: Quite a night! I’m impressed!
Captain: well, one does one’s best…
Both: Here’s to us!
Captain: I must say, all the same, that it’s a shame that ‘Phantom’ fellow isn’t here!
Mouse: Ah do believe that he has a death wish…
Dot: You never know, with this crowd.
[and now the ball begins in earnest, what fun… hehe]
All: Masquerade!
AndrAIa: Pink elephants on parade!
[everyone stops and stares]
AndrAIa: What, do you people not watch Disney movies?
Raytracer: No, actually, Andi… they canceled the show, remember?
AndrAIa: Well… I still liked “Dumbo”… I’ll shut up now.
All: Masquerade!
Enzo: HAH! It really does work! [clamps hands over face]
All: Masquerade!
Mouse: Well, you know, tha’s just the way it is in good ol’ Mainframe…
All: Masquerade!
Mouse: [turns around] AAAAAAH! [coughs] Oh, sorry, Bob, that’s your real face…
Bob: Ha. Ha. Ha.
All: Flash of mauve…
Dot: Somebody please delete the interior decorator?
All: Fool and king…
Mouse: Ah could say somethin’ here, but Ah value my life…
All: Queen and priest…
AndrAIa: I’m really starting to think this song is about Matrix… [evil grin]
All: True is false…
Mouse: Ah’m startin’ to…
Matrix: All right, you can all stop picking on me ANY TIME NOW!
All: Ace of hearts…
Raytracer: But who can name the face?
Mouse: What face?
Raytracer: I dunno…
All: Masquerade!
[Mouse smiles innocently at Matrix, who is off in the wings]
All: Turning heads...
Dot: This is getting boring!
AndrAIa: Let’s just skip then.
Raytracer: I agree with that…
Dot: What a night!
Mouse: What a crowd!
Captain: Makes you glad!
Mr. Christopher: Makes you proud! All the crème de la crème!
Hexadecimal: Watching us watching them!
Mouse: And all our fears are in the past!
Captain: Six months…
Bob: Of relief!
Hexadecimal: Of delight!
Mr. Christopher: Of Elysian peace!
Dot: And we can breathe at last.
Hexadecimal: No more notes.
Bob: No more ghost.
Dot: Here’s a health!
Captain: Here’s a toast: to a prosperous new year!
Mr. Christopher: To the new chandelier!
Mouse: Oh, goody, a new one for him to drop on us…
Bob: And may its splendor never fade.
Mr. Christopher: Six months!
Dot: What a joy!
Mouse: What a change.
Captain: What a blessed release – and what a masquerade!
[they chink glasses and move off to the back; AndrAIa and Raytracer come to the front]
AndrAIa: Oh, look, we appear to be engaged… let’s keep it a secret.
Raytracer: Why did we have to play Christine and Raoul again?
AndrAIa: [shrugs] Probably because the author found it amusing to torment us with such…
[suddenly, a figure appears at the top of the ‘staircase’ – it’s the Phantom. Well, for crying out loud, who ELSE would it be!? Anyway, he’s dressed like death, isn’t that cheerful? Yes… Anyway, everyone gets REALLY quiet. (Wouldn’t you, if Matrix showed up at YOUR party dressed like death?)]
Matrix: Why so silent, good messieurs? Did you think that I had left you for good?
Mouse: Well, that thought DID cross ouh minds…
Matrix: Have you missed me, good messieurs? I have written you an opera! [takes out a huge manuscript] Here I bring the finished score – “Don Juan Triumphant”! [throws it to the Captain] I advise you to comply – my instructions should be clear. Remember, there are worse things than a shattered chandelier…
[everyone stares as he fades away]
Jada: By the Net, I love special effects… [laughs]
SCENE TWO
[Dot is hurrying across the stage; Raytracer comes out and rushes after her]
Raytracer: Madame Giry. Madame Giry!
Dot: Monsieur, don’t ask me – I know no more than anyone else.
Raytracer: That’s not true. You’ve seen something, haven’t you?
Dot: I don’t know what I’ve seen. Please don’t ask me, monsieur.
Raytracer: Madame, for all our sakes…
Dot: [rolls eyes] Very well. It was years ago. There was a traveling fair in the city. Tumbles, conjurers, human oddities… And there way… I shall never forget him: a man. Locked in a cage…
Raytracer: In a CAGE?
Dot: Yeah. And they wonder why the Phantom has problems… Anyway. A prodigy, monsieur! Scholar, architect, musician…
Raytracer: A composer…
Dot: And an inventor too, monsieur. They boasted he had once built for the Shah of Persia, a maze of mirrors…
Raytracer: Okay, so in case anyone hasn’t figured it out yet, who was this man?
Dot: A freak of nature… more monster than man…
Raytracer: Deformed?
Dot: From birth, it seemed… And then, he went missing. He escaped. They never found him – it was said he had died.
Raytracer: But he didn’t die, did he? [glances at audience] Can we all see the plot thickening?
Dot: The world forgot him, but I never can… For in this darkness, I have seen him again…
Raytracer: And so our Phantom’s this man.
Dot: Well, give the sprite a brownie. I have said too much, monsieur. And there have been too many accidents…
Raytracer: Accidents!?
Dot: Too many… [she disappears]
Raytracer: Madame Giry…!
SCENE THREE
[we are now in the manager’s office; the Phantom’s score is lying on the desk as the Captain flips through it]
Captain: Ludicrous! Have you seen the score?
Mr. Christopher: Simply ludicrous!
Captain: It’s the final straw!
Mr. Christopher: This is lunacy! Well, you know my views…
Captain: Utter lunacy!
Mr. Christopher: But we daren’t refuse. Now he has the Punjab lasso as well as Gun…
Captain: Not another chandelier…
Mr. Christopher: Look, sir, what we have here… [produces two more notes from the Phantom and hands one to the Captain]
Captain: “Dear André
Mr. Christopher: [reading HIS note] “Dear Firmin,
[they are interrupted by Hexadecimal and Bob, both brandishing similar notes]
Hexadecimal: Outrage!
Mr. Christopher: What is it now?
Hexadecimal: This whole affair is an outrage!
Mr. Christopher: Signora, please…
Captain: Now what’s the matter?
Hexadecimal: Have you seen the size of my part?
Captain: Signora, listen…
Bob: It’s an insult!
Mr. Christopher: Not you as well…
Bob: Well, why not! Just cause I can’t sing, I get a bit part… Just look at this! It’s a insult!
Captain: Signor! Signora!
Hexadecimal: The things I have to do for my art!
Bob: [pointing at open score] If you can call this gibberish ART!
[Raytracer and AndrAIa enter]
Hexadecimal: Ah! Here’s our little FLOWER!
Mr. Christopher: Ah, Miss Daaé, quite the lady of the hour.
Captain: You have secured the largest role in “Don Juan”.
Hexadecimal: [sniffs] Christine Daaé? She doesn’t have the voice!
Mr. Christopher: Signora, please!
Raytracer: [to Captain and Mr. Christopher] Then I take it you’re agreeing.
Hexadecimal: [to audience, pointing at AndrAIa] She’s behind this.
Captain: It would appear that we have no choice.
Hexadecimal: [to cast, still pointing at AndrAIa] SHE’S the one behind this! Christine Daaé!
AndrAIa: How dare you!
Hexadecimal: I’m not a fool!
AndrAIa: You evil woman!
Hexadecimal: [preening] Why, thank you…
AndrAIa: How dare you!?
Hexadecimal: You think I’m blind?
AndrAIa: This isn’t MY fault! I don’t want any part in this plot!
Mr. Christopher: Miss Daaé, surely…
Captain: But why not?
Bob: What did she say?
Mr. Christopher: It’s your decision… but WHY not?
Hexadecimal: [to Bob] She’s backing out.
Captain: You have a duty!
AndrAIa: I cannot sing it, duty or not!
Raytracer: Christine, you don’t have to, they can’t make you.
[Mouse and Dot arrive, Dot carrying a note from the Phantom]
Dot: [sighs] Please, monsieur, another note.
[the Captain gestures for her to read it, Dot does so and as she reads, each individual reacts as they are singled out]
Dot: “Fondest greetings to you all! A few instructions before rehearsal starts: Carlotta must be taught to act…”
[Matrix’s voice takes over for Dot]
Matrix: …not her normal trick of strutting around the stage. Our Don Juan must loose some weight – it’s not healthy in a man of Piangi’s age.
[Bob raises eyebrow]
Matrix: And my managers must learn that their place is in an office, not the arts. As for Miss Christine Daaé… No doubt she’ll do her best - it’s true her voice is good. She knows, though, should she wish to excel, she has much still to learn, if pride will let her return to me, her teacher… Your obedient friend…
[Dot takes over again]
Dot: “And Angel…”
Raytracer: We have all been blind – and yet the answer is staring us in the face… This could be the chance to ensnare our clever friend…
Captain: We’re listening…
Mr. Christopher: Go on…
Raytracer: We shall play his game – perform his work – but remember we hold the ace… For, if Miss Daaé sings, he is certain to attend…
Captain: We make certain the doors are barred…
Mr. Christopher: We make certain our men are there…
Raytracer: We make certain they’re armed…
All Three: The curtain falls – his reign will end!
Dot: Madness!
Captain: I’m not so sure…
Mr. Christopher: Not if it works…
Dot: This is madness!
Captain: The tide will turn!
Dot: Monsieur, believe me – there IS no way of turning the tide!
Mr. Christopher: [to Dot] You stick to ballet!
Raytracer: [to Dot] Then help us!
Dot: Monsieur, I can’t… I’M not suicidal!
Raytracer: Instead of warning us…
Raytracer, Captain, & Mr. Christopher: Help us!
Dot: I wish I could…
Captain: Don’t make excuses!
Raytracer: Or could it be that you’re on his side?
Dot: And what would you do if I said yes? [cough] Monsieur, believe me, I intend no ill… [to Captain and Mr. Christopher] But messieurs, be careful – we have seen him kill…
Captain: [to Dot] We say he’ll fall, and fall he will!
Hexadecimal: She’s the one behind this! Christine! This is all her doing!
Mouse: Oh, for heaven’s sake, git off it!
Bob: This is the truth! Christine Daae!
Raytracer: This is his undoing!
Mr. Christopher: [to Raytracer] If you succeed, you free us all – this so-called ‘angel’ has to fall!
Raytracer: Angel of music, fear my fury –
[offstage, we can hear Matrix laughing]
Raytracer: [scowls] Here is where you fall!
Dot: [to Raytracer] Hear MY warning! You should fear HIS fury!
Raytracer: Er, no kiddin’…
Hexadecimal: What glory can she hope to gain? It’s clear to all the girl’s insane!
AndrAIa: [snorts] You should talk…
Captain: [to Mr. Christopher] If Christine sings, we’ll get our man.
Bob: She is crazy! She is raving!
Dot: Bob, hush up. You’re crazy and raving.
Mr. Christopher: [to Captain] If Christine helps us in this plan…
Raytracer: Say your prayers, black angel of death!
AndrAIa: Uhm, excuse me, but I would rather prefer not to do this…
Captain: [to Mr. Christopher] If Christine won’t, then no one can…
Dot: [to Raytracer] Monsieur, you are being an idiot! Don’t do this!
Bob: NIIIIIIICE paraphrasing…
Dot: Why thank you.
Hexadecimal: Gran Dio! Che imborglio!
Captain: This will seal his fate!
AndrAIa: If you don’t stop, I’ll go mad!!! [glaring at Raytracer] As Christine, I don’t want to do this, I’m scared. He’ll take me and won’t let me go… [pauses] On second thought, that doesn’t sound so bad… [evil grin]
[Raytracer rolls his eyes]
Hexadecimal: She’s mad…
Raytracer: You said yourself he was nothing but a man… Yet while he lives, he will haunt us till we’re dead.
AndrAIa: [sighs] Do I have to do this whole long thing? Christine is so spineless…
Dot: Well, everyone else has been paraphrasing…
AndrAIa: Well, goshy gee, I just don’t know what to do… bad things are there at every turn, I just can’t DECIDE!
Jada: Oh, yeah, that worked…
AndrAIa: That’s pretty much what she SAID…
Raytracer: Well, blast it, Christine, everything rests on you doing this…
AndrAIa: No pressure, right… [walks off] I am hurrying out now, don’t mind me…
Raytracer: [addressing imaginary Phantom] So, it is to be war between us! But this time, clever friend, the disaster will be yours! [happens to look down and see a glowing red (\/) target mark on his chest and runs off] I take it back! I take it back!!!
[laughter]
SCENE FOUR
[Phong is supervising the rehearsal for “Don Juan Triumphant”; present besides him are Bob, AndrAIa, Hexadecimal, Dot, and the Chorus (IE, the Mainframe Strolling Players…)]
Mainframe Strolling Players: Hide your sword now, wounded knight!
AndrAIa: Silken couch and hay-filled barn – both have been his battlefield…
Bob: Those who tango with Don Juan…
[giggles]
Phong: No, no, no! Chorus – rest please. Don Juan, Signor, here is the phrase. “Those who TANGLE with Don Juan.” Not tango!
Bob: Those who tomato with Don Juan…
[outright laughter]
Phong: No, no, no. “Those who TANGLE – ” Tangle, tango… oh, cursors, Bob, look what you made me do! TANGLE!
Bob: Those who tangle with Don Juan…
Phong: RIGHT! Finally…
Hexadecimal: [to others] His way is better. At least he makes it entertaining!
Dot: [to Hexadecimal] Would you speak that way in the presence of the composer?
Hexadecimal: The composer is not here. And if he WERE here, I would…
Dot: Are you certain of that, Signora?
Phong: So, once again – after seven. [give the note and counts in] Five, six, seven…
Bob: Those who tango with Don Juan…
[everyone gives up and starts to mill and talk]
Hexadecimal: Ah, piu non posso! What does it matter what words we sing?
Dot: Have patience, Signora.
Hexadecimal: No one will know if it’s right, or if it’s wrong. No one will CARE if it’s right, or if it’s wrong! [mocking] Those who TANGO with Don Juan…
Bob: [still trying] Those who tangle… tangle… [to AndrAIa] Is right?
AndrAIa: Not quite, Bob. You’ve got the note wrong now. Those who tan… TAN…
Phong: [attempting to restore order] Ladies... Signor Piangi, if you please...
[the piano suddenly starts playing by itself; everyone gets quiet and stares at it]
Dot: Well, THERE'S something you don't see every day...
[AndrAIa looks at her script, sighs, and walks out of the room]
SCENE FIVE
[AndrAIa is now in a graveyard, wandering about, looking bored]
AndrAIa: I really should sing this song… and yet, I don’t want to…
Matrix: [from behind one of the props] I don’t want to do this part either. It’s rather disturbing…
Raytracer: [coming in] Look, I don’t want to do this either! I do NOT feel safe with the idea of you flinging fireballs at me…
Matrix: [comes out and tries to look innocent] But I told you, we buried the hatchet…
Raytracer: [pauses] Eh heh. Try that again sometime when that eye of yours isn’t glowing. C’mon, Andi, let’s just skip to the next scene.
AndrAIa: Fine with me.
[they exit]
Matrix: Oh, this line could be fun… [bellows] So be it! Now let it be war upon you BOTH!
[everyone freezes, looking rather frightened]
Matrix: [walks off] I could get used to this acting thing…
SCENE SIX
[it is before the premiere of “Don Juan Triumphant”; the orchestra is tuning and Raytracer, the Captain, and Mr. Christopher are talking to the police/fire binomes about The Plan]
Raytracer: You understand your instructions?
Binomes: Sir!
Raytracer: When you hear the whistle, take up your positions. I shall then instruct you to secure the doors. It is essential that all the doors are properly secured.
Mr. Christopher: Are we doing the right thing, André?
Captain: Have you got a better idea?
Raytracer: [blows the whistle, then looks down at a marksman who is in the orchestra pit] You in the pit – do you have a clear view of this box?
Marksman: Yes sir.
Raytracer: Remember, when the time comes, shoot. Only if you have to, but shoot – to kill.
Marksman: How will I know, sir?
Raytracer: You’ll know.
Mr. Christopher: Monsieur le Vicomte, are you confident that this will work?
Raytracer: No.
Mr. Christopher: Will Miss Daae sing?
Raytracer: Got me. Are all the doors secure?
[hear the sound of doors slamming all over the building and the binomes announce one by one, “Secure!”; very quietly, from nowhere – as opposed to somewhere – we hear the voice of the Phantom]
Matrix’s Voice: I’m here, the Phantom of the Opera…
[everyone looks around, paranoid; the binomes start to run in the direction of the voice]
Matrix’s Voice: [from somewhere else] I’m here, the Phantom of the Opera…
[this continues as Matrix leads the binomes on a merry chase, finally Matrix tires of the game]
Matrix: Seal my fate tonight – I hate to cut the fun short, but the joke’s wearing thing… Let the audience in… Let my opera begin!
SCENE SEVEN
[it is the last scene in “Don Juan Triumphant”; a huge hall with an arch; behind the arch, which has curtains, is a bed; there is a fine table with places for…]
Emma Fee: [storming in, waving a script] STOP! I absolutely forbid you to perform this scene! [mutters] In fact, had I gotten my hands on a script sooner, I would have forbade you to perform this musical…
[everyone comes out to stand onstage]
Matrix: But…
Emma: No! There is NO WAY you can sneak this past the program censors!
Dot: [mutters] I thought we got rid of them back in season two…
Emma: [snorts] You wish. You still cannot do this scene.
Mouse: So we’ll just totally disregard the fact that this is an important part of the musical?
Matrix: [gets and evil grin on his face] If you’ll excuse us… [grabs Emma by the back of her coat and drags her off, the curtains in front of the bed drop and we hear a lot of Emma’s outraged shrieking which is suddenly cut off; Matrix comes back out] Now, where were we… [sweeps cape around AndrAIa and the vanish]
Mouse: What in the Net… [wanders over and throws back curtain, letting out a shriek of laughter at what she sees; Emma is sitting hog tied on the bed, right where we are supposed to have “Piangi’s” hung body; Bob is leaning against the wall]
Bob: I think I like this version much better…
SCENE EIGHT
[Matrix and AndrAIa dart across the stage, laughing, followed a few minutes later by the MOB which includes Mouse; Dot and Raytracer sneak by one way; soon after, Matrix and AndrAIa run by again, followed a bit later by the MOB… okay, you get the picture. Finally, they stop this, and we go to scene 9.]
SCENE NINE
[Matrix and AndrAIa are sitting on the organ bench, swinging their legs and talking conversationally; Raytracer shows up, rather out of breath]
Matrix: Took you long enough.
Raytracer: [panting] Unhand her… vile… beast… or something…
AndrAIa: Actually, Ray, Matrix and I were talking, and we thought, y’know, Christine really should go off with the Phantom. He’s just neater than Raoul. Anyway, if we went with the usual plot, Matrix would end up getting you around the neck with the Punjab lasso…
Raytracer: [gulps] And we really don’t want that…
Mouse: [dropping down from above] What? Y’all are still here? Ray, you and Andi are supposed to be gone by now!
Raytracer: We’re rewriting the script. [cheeky grin] What do you say Raoul and Meg ditch these two lovebirds?
Mouse: Why, sugah, thought you’d nevah ask… [takes his arm and they saunter off together]
AndrAIa: Well, that went well…
Matrix: [putting his arm around AndrAIa, deciding to stick to the script for the last] You alone can make my song take flight – it’s over now, the music of the night.
[swirls cape around her and they disappear, the stage goes dark]
END OF ACT TWO
[out of the blackness, we can hear a small voice – she apparently spit the gag out]
Emma: Okay, this isn’t funny! MATRIX! [pause] Matrix? Bob? Dot? … Anyone? I promise I’ll be good… SOMEBODY PLEASE UNTIE ME…!? Please?
SCENE ONE
Paper faces on parade…
Hide your face so the world will never find you!
Every face a different shade…
Look around – there’s another mask behind you!
Splash of puce…
Ghoul and goose…
Green and black…
Trace of rouge…
Face of beast…
Faces…
Take your turn, take a ride
On the merry-go-round…
In an inhuman race…
Eye of gold…
Thigh of blue…
Who is who…?
Curl of lip…
Swirl of gown…
Face of clown…
Faces…
Drink it in, drink it up,
Till you’ve drowned
In the light…
In the sound…
Grinning yellows,
Spinning reds…
Masquerade!
Take your fill –
Let the spectacle
Astound you!
Masquerade!
Burning glances…
Masquerade!
Stop and stare
At the sea of smiles
Around you!
Masquerade…
Re my orchestrations:
We need another first bassoon. Get a player with tone – and that third trombone has to go! The man could not be deafer, so please preferably one who plays in tune!”
Vis a vis my opera:
Some chorus-members must be sacked. If you could, find out which has a sense of pitch – wisely, though, I’ve managed to assign a minor role those who cannot act!”
Your vainglorious gasconnade brought you to your final fight –
For your pride, high price you’ve paid!